The Sun
by bluejayzombie
Summary: Jane feels she is to blame for the loss of their child. / JM. One-shot. Warning: addresses the topic of miscarriage.


**Disclaimer:** Rizzoli & Isles and related characters belong to Tess Gerristen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.

**Warning:** addresses the topic of **miscarriage**.

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**The Sun**

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The full moon suspended high in the sky above Boston illuminated the sight of snow accumulating on the ground, and where Jane Rizzoli would normally find beauty there was a void. There was only white noise where she should be feeling something—_anything_. Chapped lips were curved downward in a troubled frown and eyebrows were drawn together above glassy eyes. The shallow breaths she expelled and the wild beating of her heart were loud in her ears, the feel of her rebellious organ lying just beneath her left breast bringing causing her unbearable pain as it pounded against her ribcage. Dark eyes momentarily closed as Jane tried to take a deep breath to steady herself. It took everything she had to keep from falling apart as she took in the gravity of the situation—of the loss she had just been subjected to with no warning.

It seemed to Jane that a whole lifetime had passed since she had been in the office of Dr. Roger Grant with her wife by her side, hearing confirmation that the procedure they were depending on so much had been a success and Jane and Maura Rizzoli were on their way to becoming mothers. Upon arriving home following that appointment, Jane had her bottom lip firmly between her teeth as a last defense against tears that were threatening to fall. And then Maura drew her into her arms and held her for long minutes as the tears fell and Jane dropped kisses all over her smiling face and they both laughed because they were going to have a child.

Jane and Maura had discussed the possibility of children in the past and both stating that they wanted to have more than one child, and Jane had admitted that she wanted to be the one to carry their first baby. It was as much a need to have Maura's child, as it was to take some time away from the job that was slowly tearing away her humanity. Life as a homicide detective was making her cold and she knew it and she was positive Maura wasn't oblivious to the fact either, and she knew something needed to change before she went to a place she could not return from. Maura had easily agreed with the promise that she would carry their next child.

Jane had not been surprised when Maura noticed the changes in her body almost before she did, which to her was as good a confirmation as the one Dr. Grant had given them. Even before their visit with the man, Maura had noted the amount of time Jane spent resting whenever she had a free moment (and even when she_didn't_) and her frequent visits to the restroom, not to mention her sudden aversion to the smell of meat cooking. No, that had not surprised Jane, but the reaction her wife had to a particular change did. Maura had nearly purred in delight the first time she had openly acknowledged the breasts that were growing and held them in her hands. As she grazed her fingers lightly over sensitive skin, Maura took care to remain gentle when she began to suckle breasts that she had known would be tender.

By the third month, Jane had become insatiable and Maura—poor Maura—had tried to satisfy her wife as best she could even when it became obvious that she was exhausted. Jane had fallen even more in love with her wife during those moments because of the fact that Maura could still look at her with burning desire even when she could hardly move and they had to figure out how to whet Jane's hunger for her wife when Maura could not lift a finger to touch Jane, which mostly ended with Jane doing most of the work which she really didn't mind.

Accepting that she was going to have a child had not been difficult considering previous statements that she would never bring a child into the world when she knew of the horrors that could ruin it and she would be helpless to protect them—as much as Jane wanted to, she would not be able to keep a child safe from the rest of the world indefinitely and it hurt to even think of losing one. And then Maura had showed her what it meant to love another so completely and want to be her protector every moment, and she learned to make room for her fear and her need to protect. Being with Maura had taught her that she could not always prevent things from happening, but the act of loving someone was worth potential heartbreak.

Maura had been teaching Jane how to love since the day they met in the Division One Café even before either of them knew it, and though she only consented to touch her after discovering Jane was a cop, Maura was the one who kissed her scarred hands and held them and guided her through dark times in her life.

But where was Maura now? Where was Maura as Jane stared out the window with empty eyes and mourned the loss of a child she would never have? Where was Maura as she was forced to acknowledge the emptiness in her stomach and know that the baby that had been growing inside of her only twelve hours before was no more? Maura… she had no idea. Jane had tried to call her many times before her sudden arrival at the hospital and when she had not been able to reach her, a nurse had tried as well. And when she left, she didn't even try again because she knew that she would not have been able to tell her what she'd had to do, or repeat the words of the doctor—words of confirmation, this time that the baby was gone.

Jane bowed her head and bit her bottom lip hard, refusing to cry anymore than she already had. Then, slowly, she turned her head to the side as she watched the blue Prius that Maura loved so much pull into the driveway. Only moments later, the lights of the car dimmed and Jane lifted her eyes to the stars above, ignoring the surprised call of her name upon Maura's entrance.

"Jane?"

Maura moved to stand behind her and Jane let herself sink into the warm body as she grabbed at the hands winding around her. She closed her eyes and slid her fingers down smooth arms to slide between the fingers splayed against her stomach.

"What are you doing, Jane?" When Jane did not respond, Maura tried again, "You're scaring me, sweetheart. You left me a message asking me to come home as soon as I could but you didn't say why, but I'm not sure I would have understood very well anyway because it sounded like you were crying. And now that I'm here, you're standing in the dark not saying a word to me when you usually see if you can break your record for how fast you can get me naked. What's going on, Jane?"

Jane closed her eyes and turned to bury her face in Maura's neck and hold on for dear life. Maura said nothing as she held Jane to her, choosing for the moment to stay silent about the hot tears soaking her skin. This was the embrace Jane wanted to remain in. It was safe and comfortable and Jane was not surprised to find that she could breath a little easier. Maura was her rock, her anchor, and had been everything to her for a very long time and remained as such alongside their baby. But that had been ripped away from her and Jane found herself unable to share this with Maura because she knew it would break her too.

"You look exhausted. Why don't we go lie down?"

Jane pulled back and nodded. Maura lead Jane up the stairs and into the bedroom where she sat Jane down, kneeling in front of her to remove the shoes and socks she had no energy to remove after returning home earlier that day. Jane watched Maura, unable to say a word even as Maura began to change into the silk nightgown she wore to bed most nights. When Jane made no move to take the shirt Maura was suddenly holding out to her, Maura set it down on the bed and gently pulled Jane into a standing position. Jane closed her eyes as Maura slid her jeans down her legs and tapped her knee so she could step out of them. Then she felt Maura lifting her shirt and once that joined the pile of clothes forming on the floor, Maura reached around her to unsnap her bra and that too was gone.

"I know that you don't respond well when people push you, including me," Maura stated softly as she tugged the shirt she'd pulled out down over Jane. "But I also know that sometimes you need me to do just that. So please, tell me what's wrong. What happened?"

"I need to tell you something," Jane responded as she moved to the bed, not looking at the woman settling beside her. Instead she leaned against the headboard and redirected her eyes to the medical journal sitting on her bedside table, one Maura had only the night before even though Jane was sure she had read it before. "I made a mistake today by not doing everything I could to have you be with me and I know you're going to be upset, but you're here now and I hope that can be enough for both of us."

Maura lifted herself in a sitting position beside Jane and reached for her hand. Her lips grazed the puckered skin in the middle of her palm as she waited for Jane to speak.

"I started bleeding this afternoon after you sent me that text telling me you were about to start an autopsy. I tried to call you over and over again and I was still bleeding, and I stared to panic. It didn't even occur to me to call anyone else. God, I should have just…" Jane paused for only a moment to take a steadying breath. "I drove myself to the hospital and by the time I got there, I was in so much pain and there was so much blood… I didn't… I couldn't do anything. They said it wasn't anything that I did, but…"

Jane felt Maura pull her into her arms as her voice became quiet, felt the hand stroking her hair and the arm around her and the lips murmuring words of love between soft kisses against her forehead.

"I'm _so_ sorry, sweetheart."

"I'm sorry, Maura. God, I'm so sorry," whispered Jane, "I'm so sorry for losing our baby."

Maura pushed Jane back a few inches to meet her eyes. "Why on earth are _you _sorry, Jane?"

"I know how much you wanted this. We've wanted this for so long," Jane responded, tearing her eyes away from those so full of love and compassion. "Don't look at me like that, Maura. Don't look at me like I'm a victim. I lost our baby. I… god, I don't know how but I fucked up. I lost her."

"No, sweetheart, you didn't. No," Maura said firmly as she held Jane's face in her hands. "This is _not_ your fault. There are many reasons that a woman can have a miscarriage. Sometimes the embryo or fetus has a chromosome that causes it to develop unnaturally, which just happens by chance when the egg divides in grows—this causes at least half of miscarriages. The risk also increases as a woman ages, but you're still relatively young. Other reasons are chronic illness, severe trauma and very serious infections, and abnormalities in the uterus. And all of those reasons are things you cannot control. I know you haven't touched coffee and have cut down on caffeine since we found out, so unless you've been smoking or drinking or using cocaine without me knowing it, you are not at fault."

"Maura…"

"I am so sorry that this happened to you, Jane. We don't always know how or why these things happen, but they do. Sometimes life is cruel and it knocks us on our asses but you have taught me that when this happens we get pick ourselves up off the ground and show the world and ourselves how strong we are. It's going to be hard and I know that. We need time to grieve so when the time comes, we are able to move on and life without fear of this happening again because a lot of times it doesn't. You are so strong Jane, stronger than I've _ever_ been and I need you here with me."

Jane stared at Maura for several moments before leaning forward to catch her bottom lip between her own, moving against her slowly.

"My heart is breaking for you but I need you stop feeling guilty about this," Maura whimpered when Jane drew back to catch her breath. "And I need you to remember that this hurts me too. We both lost this baby and it hurts to even _breathe_ right now, but I do not blame you. I just… I need you to help me get through this, Jane. Be here for me the way you always have been, and let me be with you."

"Do you promise?" Jane questioned. She rested her forehead against Maura's and spoke again, "Do you promise this wasn't my fault and that you don't blame me for this? Do you promise to stay with me?"

"Yes," Maura said hoarsely. "I promise. No matter what, we'll get through this together."

"You know, I feel like I am surrounded by a darkness that has ruled my life for a very long time… I feel like I am suffocating, just like I felt the first time I found myself in the dark after Hoyt put those scalpels in my hands and left me with scars that will never fade. I was alone for a long time after that and I was trapped in the dark until I allowed you to help me overcome my fear of scalpels. The very first time you touched me, when you stood with your whole front pressed against my back and helped me make a Y-incision, I felt warm like the sun was shining down on me. You brought me back from the worst moment of my life, Maura. Just like you always do. And I promise that I will always do the same for you, no matter how dark it gets because maybe you're the sun but I'm the moon. You are _my_ sun and I need you to truly shine."

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_finis_


End file.
